Join my cost-effective coaching program, Clarity+Courage where we learn, apply, and grow. This month's concept: Discernment & Decisions. 

Stop, Drop & Roll

As you do that work of searching your heart and anchoring to the Lord, I wanted to encourage you that you will find that in a place of stillness and pause.  

When we are frustrated with someone, its easy to get reactive or aggressive, I think we can apply the same rules that we use for catching on fire to help us create calm.

Stop, Drop & Roll

1. Stop. 

Isaiah 30:15-16 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift!

If you are like me, you might want to ride off on swift horses. 

But that never works.  

We must first be still.  Quietness and trust is our strength. 

This position is echoed in the video above as I tell you my favorite Bible Story from II Chronicles 10. "We don't know what to do, God, but our eyes are on you." They paused. They prayed. They praised. And God showed them what to do. 

When you get still and quiet in your spirit, you might see that your husband's behavior is a disputable issue or even a manual issue. You might think it seems excellent and spiritual for him to lead your family in a Bible Study or parent a certain way, but when you can stop, you will see that this is your preference and not divine law.  

It still matters. Your desires always matter. But when you turn to the Lord first with the desires of your heart, you will discover how (in what manner) to turn toward your husband.  If it includes words, you will have already done the work of grounding yourself, not seeking your husband's response to give you that stability.

Also, when we hit pause, we discover what else is contributing to the issue for us:  hunger, hormones, sleep deprivation, and sickness can all decrease our capacity to process circumstances effectively. If we aren't managing our own body, mind, and spirit, we have no business trying to control our husbands.

2.  Drop

Reconnect spiritually, which always begins by bringing your mind and heart into the light and engaging with the Lord starting where you are. You don't have to stay stuck in blame, shame, or despair.

Get on your knees.  Humble yourself before God.  Submit to his love. Ask God to show you how to respond.  He will show you what to do. 

  • Without a word?
  • Has he given you a clear boundary to set?
  • Has he instructed you to flee?
  • Is he giving you a calm spirit to gently restore your husband with your words?

3.  Roll.

When we think of our pain, we believe the other person is the problem, and yet it is our thoughts about the other person that is causing us pain. When we turn to the Lord in our pain (rather than suppress or use it as a weapon), that is when we turn the "problem" into an invitation.

Think of the ways God has been there. Remember his faithfulness. Get your eyes on to the Lord and off of the problem. 

When we bind our hearts to the Lord, we are always ready to go where he leads us, and he is always enough for whatever he has called us to do.

4.  Now Arise.   

He goes before us.  

You must follow.  Remain in that place of clarity, confidence, and peace; eyes fixed on Jesus. 

Move forward as you align your will and heart with the Lord's heart. Seek his specific direction and his spirit. 

He is there for you! He loves you, and His ways are perfect.

Ask him how to love your husband. Ask him to help you see things as He does.

If you have done that, you will find peace and joy in your current situation. Even if something is challenging for us, we can find a core of joy.

There are not cookie-cut answers, but Jesus will show you where to "cut", speaking to you through his Word and Spirit.

The reality is most people skip this part and just run. They feel hurt, exhaustion, and despair and want an escape. They put their focus on the lack and avoid their own heart.

Engage with the Lord. He is always near. And from that place of transparency and connection move forward.


We can't control circumstances, including husbands.

And we will have thoughts about what we can't control. That is ok. God made us part of one body, and in this way, our thoughts give us a relationship with other people, nature, and outside forces.

God has called us to

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
For each one will have to bear his own load. (Galatians 6:5)

So when our husband sins, it is not against us, but against God.  Our thoughts about his behavior may cause us to feel offended. However, the truth is YOUR HUSBAND is in a dangerous situation when he is not walking in God's will.  So we may follow the gentle and careful approach of Galatians 6:1 when we speak the truth in love without making it all about us.

This approach is a very different one than condemning him, talking badly about him, or shunning him. We must do all of this motivated by love and acting in gentleness with caution, lest we too stumble. While we help others, we ought not to think that we are somehow exempt from the truth we are speaking to them—"Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted" (Galatians 6:1). We must watch for the sin of pride, so we don't compare ourselves to our husband's weakness.

When Paul tells us that we much each bear our load, we are reminded of our responsibility for our sin. God will call each one of us to account for the deeds which we have done (2 Corinthians 5:10).

Try not to be easily offended or exasperated at your husband's sin.  Instead, be diligent about your heart, knowing that you also need admonition (Romans 15:14).  If we do boast, we should boast in what Jesus has done for us (vs. 14).

God is Lord of all circumstances.

Job 38:

"Who shut up the sea behind doors
    when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
    and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
    and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
    here is where your proud waves halt'?

When we quit focusing on what is outside our control and one the one who is in charge, submitting our hearts to Him, we open ourselves up to engage with God.

Putting your energy on what you are thinking, feeling, and doing will be far more productive than stewing over your husband's sin and the pain it is causing you. Bring your concerns to the Lord in prayer; then you will know how to march forward in obedience having everything you need.

4 Lessons

BONUS 5: Biblical Approach for Responding to Your Husband’s Sin

How do we show up when we believe our husband is doing wrong according to God's standards? Do we confront him? Do we sit silent? Do we leave?

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